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Stick A Fork In McCain, He's Done!

With virtually no money left in his campaign coffers, and no support from the right, John McCain is now trying to revive his campaign today by pandering to the left and the moderates, promising he would close the detention center at Guantánamo Bay, and guaranteeing that the United States would never torture anyone else if we would only elect him President.

In all honesty, the detention center lovingly referred to as Gitmo, where they house the illegal combatants, is little more than a country club. Special meals are actually flown in from Las Vegas at a cost of over $12 per day per prisoner, which is more than four times the cost of feeding prisoners in our federal prison system.

Remember the pranks they pulled at the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq that had every bleeding heart liberal screaming bloody murder? That wasn't torture. That was fraternity hazing at best, and, I must say, not all that imaginative.

McCain believes torture doesn't work. I say, tomatoes. If John McCain believes he was tortured while he was a prisoner-of-war, again I say, tomatoes. Relatively speaking, the North Vietnamese treated him with kid gloves because he was the son of an admiral in the U.S. Navy - an admiral who happened to command the U.S. forces in the Pacific during the Vietnam war. The North Vietnamese were going to make sure that he left the Hanoi Hilton in one piece, and he did.

The good senator must not watch any movies, because all you have to do is watch a couple good gangster movies to know that with a little imagination and the right tools (hammers, nails, vice-grips, a couple scalpels, a high-speed drill, and a kitchen-type blow torch) you could have someone begging to tell you everything, yes, everything he knew about anything you asked, and sooner rather than later.

You don't believe me?

Let's play make believe.

It's 8 A.M. and we believe you know where a dirty bomb has been hidden. We also believe the bomb will go off at 1 P.M.. This is a dirty bomb that, if it explodes, will make a ghost town out of downtown Manhattan and will certainly kill thousands of Americans slowly, and painfully.

John McCain and I will be your interrogators and we want to know exactly where the dirty bomb has been hidden.

Senator McCain gets first crack at you, the scum bag Muslim jhadist.

Tough guy McCain wants to know where the bomb is and in his ever so forceful voice asks you politely to tell him where the bomb is. You're a tough guy too and you forcefully, yet politely, decline to answer.

McCain implores you to please tell him where the bomb is. He knows you are a reasonable Muslim jhadist and, because of his good looks and engaging personality, is sure you will gladly tell him where the bomb has been hidden. You admit to him that he was very convincing but you just can't bring yourself to tell him where the bomb is.

You can hear the frustration in McCain's tough guy voice as he screams at you, "Tell me where the bomb is, or else." (He knows that when his mother said "or else" she really meant business and it always worked on him.) He is beginning to wear you down, but you manage to say nothing.

McCain is getting serious now. He pounds on the desk and threatens to put you in jail forever. You admit to yourself that McCain was pretty persuasive in his argument and he almost got you to talk. Fortunately, you were able to bite your tongue.

With nothing left to say to you, the almost persuasive John McCain went to lunch, leaving you alone to reflect on the impending destruction.

Fortunately for you, the tight lipped jhadist, but unfortunately for Americans, you believe that your plan will now succeed. Presidential wanna-be McCain is willing to let the bomb go off since he couldn't convince you in a humane, civilized and politically correct way that it is better for everyone if you tell him where the bomb is. He believes we are too honorable to mistreat anyone, for any reason, and by the way, doesn't want us to forget the Geneva Conventions.

As they say on the internet...roflmao (roll on floor laughing my ass off).

I, on the other hand, am not willing to put the life, limb, or politically correct feelings of a scum bag terrorist like you ahead of the life or well-being of a single American and am bound and determined to get the information. I believe that we won't have a civilization if we are not prepared to do whatever is necessary to defend and protect our country. Unfortunately for you, the scum bag jhadist, I will do anything, and everything, in my power to find out where you put that bomb.

Let's get down to some serious questioning. Please tell me where that bomb is I politely ask? You reply that you don't want to hurt my feelings but my interrogation tactics just won't work on you. You have already been interrogated by the most convincing person you can imagine. You are a really tough guy and you are just not willing to tell me anything about the bomb.

Now I am more determined than ever to find out where that bomb is. Maybe I can convince you.

Let's start by pulling out your fingernails and your toenails without benefit of anesthesia, of course. (No good interrogator would ever use anesthesia.) You politely tell me that torture won't work on you and this "run-of-the-mill torture" certainly won't make you spill your guts?

With frustration beginning to show in my voice, I politely ask you where the bomb is as I drill your teeth. After all 28 teeth were drilled (your wisdom teeth were extracted as a child you tell me), you admit the pain was excruciating but still give no indication that you are prepared to tell me the location of that darn bomb.

What is an interrogator to do? I pull out your teeth, but some are unfortunately broken off before they can be extracted. Again, although you have a little difficulty speaking, you very politely decline to answer my questions about the bomb. You truly are a tough guy.

I am getting serious now. Let's see if crushing your fingers and toes one at a time with a sledge hammer will motivate you to talk. Mum's the word? Now "Don't worry," I say. You don't look too good, can't hold anything and probably don't feel like standing up, but you're still alive. I have to admit you are one tough jhadist.

Perhaps having your knee caps and elbows broken with a ball peen hammer will loosen you tongue. Bush (no pun intended) league torture you say. OK. That's no problem, because I'm just getting warmed up and I haven't felt a thing.

As I clean off my pall peen hammer, I wonder aloud if ten-penny nails driven into the bottom of your feet will loosen your tongue. "Loose lips sink ships," you mumble to me through your broken teeth. Wow! You're a better man than me.

Let's try crushing your testicles with a vice-grip. Cat still got your tongue? "You're a pretty tough cookie," I mutter to myself. "That jhadist training is amazing,"

I'm ready for lunch and I am down to my last couple of tricks. Creme brule anyone? Let's see if melting your eyeballs with a blowtorch will induce you to tell me what I want to know. Haven't spilled your guts yet? HOLY PROPHET! That eyeball thing usually gets them every time.

I have one last trick up my sleeve...

I politely threaten to kill you and bury you in the belly of a pig. Oh My God! I knew that would get you. You tell me where the bomb is and even tell me where I can find your first born child.

After I rush off and defuse the bomb, I'm hungry and a little tired so I go to lunch. At lunch I see John McCain getting ready to begin his new career as a public servant. (He is taking out the garbage - a job for which he is truly suited.)

To recap: That is what I call torture, and it will get us the information we need to save American lives and the American way of life.

Would you like to bet your life on it? If you want to make that bet, go ahead - donate to, and vote for, John McCain for President. In the end, it won't matter. The American people have seen and heard enough of John McCain.

Stick a fork in him, he's done!

Posted by Rick | July 14, 2007 11:05 PM